ONLY CRAP!!!

End of OnlyCrap

onlycrap — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 08:36:52 +0000

Unknowingly I’ve hurt some people with my writing and hence I’ve decided not to write anymore.

THE BUBBLE BURST

onlycrap — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 02:16:48 +0000

I knew the consequences will take some time to sink in. I’m generally slow with realizing things even if they are as apparent as they seem to be. This is because I tend to live in a bubble. A bubble consisting of hope and optimism and things that are not meant to be. But there comes a time when the bubble bursts and one has to face the reality. In this case, the reality sucks. It is terrible and it is harder than I imagined. You tell yourself that you are strong enough to handle things while deep down you know your vulnerabilities.

This is not the first time that there is silence between us. Most of the earlier ones, unlike this one, had the chance of being sorted out. While some where part of a bigger plan, All-Out one and All-Out two. While some “issues” where created for the sole intention of sitting and clearing things out where the whole issue at hand in itself was inconsequential. Looking back, irrespective of what the content was but those “sessions” where amazing to say the least. But this is the most different and difficult of all. This has the eerie presence of permanency to it and maybe our last few words have been spoken. What remains now-and-then is exchanging “pleasant” greetings and a nod of the head in agreement.I lied once and had the most unbelievably great time. But I always knew that it was not right. Don’t have the courage to lie again. It is easy to lie your way out of any situation but I’ve realised it is better to fight it out using the truth. Even though you need to pay a big price for it.

Maybe for her the loss is of a just-another friend. One who was never even close. Probably, I and this entire episode would want to be forgotten as a bad a nightmare. But it is way bigger for me. Life has a funny way of repeating itself. I lost one friend when I joined college here. And I am losing another when it is going to end. But this loss is huge. Like all other things we shall overcome, one day. Until then there is the wait and endurance.

BEST WISHES EEE

onlycrap — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 01:15:25 +0000

I’ll be leaving for home today to attend EEE’s wedding on 24^th. So this post is dedicated to him. Very few people get a chance to spend their life with the person they want to. You’re one of the lucky few. So, wishing you all the very best for the life ahead and if I’ve ever come to know that you’ve hurt her then you will be skinned alive!

P.S.: Happy B’day Ball Mathews.

P.P.S.: Exactly one year back on this very day at Ram Charan Agarwal Chowk signal at around 9.30 AM in the morning something happened and it changed everything. Wish I could go back in time and set things right. Sometimes you pay the price for being truthful.

LONGINGS AND TEARS

onlycrap — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:14:00 +0000

I’m not a poem-person. But, in my previous post Preeti Shenoy who is an avid blogger, writer, poet, artist and above everything else a great human being brought my attention to her poem, “A longing for things that can never be”. I’ve reproduced here certain parts of the poem.

A LONGING FOR THINGS THAT CAN NEVER BE

If a tear drop could speak, this is what it would say

I yearn for a glimpse of you

It would keep me going a long way

I yearn to hear the sound of your laughter

It would give me strength to face another day

I yearn to feel the warmth of your hand in mine.

It would make me believe that nothing else mattered.

I seek out substitutes,

Looking for you in others

Hoping they will take away

A part of the longing, or at least a part of the pain

But none match up to you.

Why did you have to be so perfect?

And why can’t some things ever be?

Why is finality all binding like death?

I know you cannot answer me for you are helpless too

Despite your irrefutable love for me

Or perhaps because of it.

Unable to contain themselves any longer

Tears swell and fall

Make their way down.

At least they know where to go

Unlike me

For I am utterly lost without you.

And so, the broth brews

Billowed smoke continues rising

The tears continue falling as an outlet for longing.

A longing for things

That can never be.

© Preeti Shenoy

Reproduced with permission

MOST HORRIBLY BEAUTIFUL DAY

onlycrap — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 01:33:15 +0000

A silence then followed. In that brief moment of silence I imagined a lot of things. Though, my mind was sure of what the answer is going to be but my heart was thinking otherwise. My heart was somewhere praying to hear the most beautiful three letter word in the English language which every lover wants to hear in such situations. Unfortunately, I wasn’t lucky enough. All I got to hear was the five letter word “sorry”. I know that she truly meant it and there is absolutely nothing from her end. That “sorry” still reverberates clearly in my ears all the time and even when I am typing this dreadful yet wonderful experience.

I am not unhappy or sad or depressed on how things have turned out or how they have not worked out. Rather, I am truly happy that it has happened. Today, I can walk with me head held high telling what it feels like to love somebody more than anything else in this world. I was always aware of what the end is going to be even before it all started. So what if she doesn’t share this same feeling with me. That was never a condition that I put forth when I started liking her and nor do I expect things to work out in future. She is my princess and she will always be.

We then walked back to college. I thanked her for making my life both extremely happy and somewhat miserable at the same time. Strangely, I was filled with joy after telling her all that I ever wanted to say. This entire episode got me into an illusional high from where I hope I never come down. The feeling is yet to sink in and I am yet to realize the consequences of what transpired that day. Until then I want to enjoy the moment.

Thus, this is the short unfinished love story of the biggest loser in this world, ME.

Frustration Venting Machine

onlycrap — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:07:38 +0000

The last post had a comment which asked what happened to the fifteen day fifteen day post initiative. I couldn’t live up to that promise. The only reason to that is somewhere this blog became a place for me to vent out my frustration. I’ve changed a bit now. Today, I’m not expressive of my frustrations as it used to be before. So a lot of things tend to be bottled up and I use this space to vent out my anger. Looking back all my post either emanates out of my frustration or that post was written because I was not feeling too well. This one belongs to the latter category.

Sometimes the more you try to change things. The more they remain the same.

CAKE, PARTY AND ANALYSIS

onlycrap — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 17:13:04 +0000

Took a break from posting yesterday. Actually, couldn’t write because I was staying over at my uncle’s place and didn’t have the time and energy to think and post something.

Went to a b’day party to my uncle’s relatives and in no way possible I had any connection with them nor with the kid who had his b’day but god bless that kid. Remember the dialogue in Dil Chahta hai, “hum cake khane ke liye kahi bhi jaa sakte hai”. I was in a similar situation there. Moreover, it was a small kids b’day so no chances of any chick coming there. It was disappointing and boring. But who cares until the cake was delicious and the food. It was a typical Marwari meal with 3 rounds of sweets, ghee dripping rotis and mouth melting paakoras (best thing to have in this winter). It felt like heaven.

One more thing I noticed there was if you are put in a room with four grown ups who don’t know each other very well, then you are at the most boring place on earth. There was grim silence all around as if everybody was charged if they spoke anything. And the only times they spoke was to crib on the rising inflation or on some poorly-understood industry situation. I couldn’t help but laugh to see how “informed” people where on what is in the organised sector and what is not. I am not trying to be demeaning here but sometimes you do come across people who act like as if they know “everything” but in reality they have very shallow knowledge and understanding of things around them. I was introduced as an MBA from a top 15 college but I choose to keep my mouth shut during the entire episode so as not to look snobbish. Occasionally I did pitch in but when I realised that I had to battle against deep-rooted myths, I gave up. I forgot to take my phone along with me hence couldn’t help but listen to all those ‘analysis’. It was a very very boring and gruelling 2 hours.

The only thing I was praying for was the amazing looking cake (black forest flavour) be cut and the food be served. And when it did, it was worth the wait!

MISS THE TALK

onlycrap — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 15:05:53 +0000

It’s been a long time since we have spoken properly. There is a lot of awkwardness between us. I miss talking to her. I miss her. I really do.

Problems

onlycrap — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 17:04:35 +0000

I love to bug people. And more often than not the response I get (before getting hit) is “what is your problem?” I reply by telling by telling there is a list of problems. So, I then decided to make a list of the problem s I have (in no particular order).

Naukri nahi milli
Chokri bhi nahi mili
Paiso ki thangi hai

(English translation: No job, No girl, No money)

These are the core problems and all the other problems are secondary but manageable.

RANDOM MUMBLINGS

onlycrap — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 17:26:53 +0000

I’ve written a lot today. Filling up forms. Touching up on my resume. Preparing a cover letter. Grueling last minute placement GD (which I did not clear). And now I am totally exhausted to come up and write something new. The grey cells have now all been exhausted. And I don’t know what to write.

At first I thought to copy paste my cover letter that I had written and make it today’s post. I was quite happy with the way it turned out. Precise and brief, they way I would want to read any cover letter. But I did end up copy-pasting a line from the internet and if you have a look at the letter you can easily make out which one it is.

Today is Lohri. A festival which is celebrated outdoors with family and friends. It is celebrated to mark the onset of winter in northern India. A bonfire is usually set up and offerings are made. Similar arrangements have been made in my college but I am too exhausted and the weather is so cold that I dare not get out of my blanket (rajai).

But I look out my balcony and there is a thick cover of mist flowing. It looks very beautiful. A lot of times it gives you a feeling that you are at a hill station. The only difference here is that I am not on a honeymoon. Still, the winter especially Dilli ki Sardi is a one of a kind experience. Last year it was very difficult for me to adapt to this biting cold and I was confined to my bed most of January. This year I’ve adapted better. And even though it is colder this time around but I seem to enjoy it even more. When you wake up in the morning and you see the fog it seems like the scene is just out of a fairy tale you grew up listening to or how it is like in the movies. You walk across the fog with all the layers of clothing and a muffler around your neck and you feel like a hero of a movie. There is ‘smoke’ coming out of your mouth when you talk which lends the uber coolness to the entire scene. A Marlon Brando type feel is what you get. All you want to do all day in this cool climate is to get cozy in your blanket (preferably with …) and eat hot-piping paranthas or pakoras or hot tea for tea lovers. The whole putting your hands in your pocket, trying different muffler wearing styles, putting on various layers of clothing and my personal favorite is that you don’t need to take bath daily is what makes this my most favourite season.